In what I expect to be a long and fulfilling tango with the “Agony Aunt” formula, please find the latest installment of ASK….(insert name here).
Last week, we put out the call. You had relationship, music, hipster AND existentialist questions. I selected the best ones from a big batch and sent them on. And this week, Jon answered. Here we go, kids. Here are the As to your Qs. Hold on to your sandwiches:
I’m in the process of stocking my doomsday bunker. Electricity is in short supply, so I need your help making a decision. Should I install a CO2 scrubber so I don’t asphyxiate or an Acoustic 360 bass amp with a matching 8×10 cabinet for my Steinberger headless bass? -Brent, Wilmington, NC
I’d go with the bass amp. The 360 distorts like no other, so when marauding herds of zombies get near your house just crank that thing up to ten and it should stop them in their tracks. If that doesn’t work just start swinging the Steinberger at them. If that doesn’t work, I’m sorry, but you’re fucked.
Why do I think that the Archers of Loaf sang the back up vocals on Joan Osborne’s “(If God) Was One of Us”?
Sarah, Reckless Records, Chicago, IL
I think you may be confusing AOL with the Hooters, the Philadelphia band this song’s composer fronts. It’s a common occurrence that has caused both of these melodica-driven/reggae-tinged groups major headaches.
After the popular attention for punk music faded what is left? What makes a punk a punk? – Meredith, Columbus, OH
How would an 18-year-old girl with devilishly good looks and incredible talents in all the arts go about getting her own show and/or interning at WFMU? - Nina, Chicago, IL
There’s a very elaborate screening process. I’d be glad to put in a good word for you but I should warn you that you might be required to name all twenty-one Red Krayola albums without internet assistance.
Why do all the drummers in all the hipster bands not have a rack tom? – Lars, Reston, VA
Because it would block the audience’s view of the tattoo they just got of Tom Selleck using an antique sewing machine.
A recent photo of Mac (on this website no less) makes him look eerily like a young Brian Mulroney, the 18th Prime Minister of Canada. Based on that, which Canadian head of state, living or dead, would you most like to jam with? – Russell, Toronto, ON
Céline Hervieux-Payette, obviously.
What do you think about those motorcycles with the 2 wheels on the front and 1 wheel on the back? Are they the vehicle equivalent of a fanny pack? – Dan, Raleigh, NC
I think that is cheating and anyone who uses one of these machines should be put to death by one of President Obama’s death panels.
Have you ever used Simmons pads, and if so, how long was it before you realized you needed a whole drum kit of them (à la Bill Bruford)? – Pete, Enola, PA
Wait, are we talking about the electronic drums or the tongue-shaped tampons Gene Simmons was selling in 2002 (before they were pulled off the market for causing women to projectile vomit)?
How do you pull off a denim jacket? Do you mix colors or add khakis? Don’t like the suit made of denim look. – Liz, Chicago, IL
It’s not for everyone. I have no problem with wearing a jean jacket and jeans. I’ve seen a picture of Jimmy Carter wearing that and he was a President, I think. I would rather eat a toilet-shaped marble cake than wear khakis.
“I’ve heard OF [band x], but I’ve never heard them,” is getting old. any suggestions for replacements? – @DFH1979, Baltimore, MA
My boyfriend of 3 years thought it ok to “have relations” with another woman for two months without telling me. She’s 22, he’s 38, I’m 41. Help. – Sarah, USA
Need to see JPEGs of all three of you before I can make a definitive judgement.
Wait, WHO IS DOING THIS? I’M COMING UP THERE.
Why? – Sara, US
Because our pastors tell us it is so.
Did Han and Chewie really make the Kessel Run in less than 12 Parsecs? – Travis, Portland, OR
Let’s keep this Q&A PG-13, ok?
Is it true you stole that awesome denim jacket from a hobo in Wisconsin, or is that just a filthy rumor I made up? – Chris, Astoria, NY
They prefer to be called transients, you heartless monster.
Re-friend beans or black beans, what’s in your fcking burrito? You had better say re-fried. I’m watching you, Wurster. – J. Scott, Taunton, MA
First of all, being called by my last name is one of my biggest pet peeves. So you’re already on ice so thin it cannot even be gauged by modern technology. Secondly, refried.
Have you ever thought of parlaying your minor celebrity into the pasta sauce business? To hell with Paul Newman, I’d much prefer some superchunky Wurster Sauce! – Andrew, Vancouver, BC
Can we PLEASE keep these questions non-X-rated? Jeez.
You could have anything in the world on your backstage rider. What’s on it? – Mikala, Vancouver \m/